Help in Times of Grief and Trouble

Piles of debris line our streets. Chainsaws roar and hammers bang. We are cleaning up. The howling wind was scary. We were brushed by the outer bands of Hurricane Helene as it tore northward on its destructive path. 

We still have streets and homes and properties to clean. Many across a wide swath of Southern states do not. The scope of loss of life and property is not yet fully known. There are no words for the breadth of destruction wrought by this storm.

As I hear reports, see photos and read accounts online, I feel overwhelmed. I also feel drawn to see and to know and to empathize with the suffering. So many of us have family and friends and personal property in the areas hardest hit. We also have memories of delightful times in beloved places when we escaped to the mountains for respite from humidity and for a different perspective. 

I wanted to talk about what this was like, but I couldn’t find my words. I also don’t have the physical skills needed for disaster recovery. I wanted to help in some small way. I turned to a friend, Rev. Dr. Nancy Olman, who is relatively new to the island. She is a retired chaplain with extensive experience working in critical care with trauma and grief. Currently, she teaches a class on trauma and spiritual care remotely as an adjunct professor at Louisville Seminary.

I asked if she would allow me to interview her so I could share some of her wisdom with all of you. 

As Nancy and I began to talk, it wasn’t long before I realized her knowledge and wisdom far exceeded the scope of what I could write here. I want to pass along some highlights and helpful do’s and don’ts for navigating this crisis for you, your friends and loved ones. Big goal for one article!

The word “trauma” gets applied to things that aren’t really trauma in a clinical sense. Traumatic events like this storm are beyond our words to express. Trauma is an experience that exceeds our capacity to make sense of it. Not only does trauma change a situation, but it also changes us in ways that take a long time to unfold. Trauma is when the event happens to you. Secondary trauma is when you witness it. There is also communal trauma like 9/11, the pandemic and now Hurricane Helene. We might not have lost a loved one or lost everything, but we grieve from afar.

A place to start is to understand that everyone will have a different response to trauma. There is no right way to grieve. All responses are OK. Grief is not only an emotion. It is a physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual and behavioral experience. What is most helpful? To allow for a safe space for people to be heard. People need to tell their stories. Nancy brought me this quote. “Being heard is so close to being loved that for an average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” (Daniel Augsburger, “Caring Enough to Hear and Be Heard.”)

Many times, people can’t even name how they are feeling. But often, they want to talk. A good starting question is, “What was the worst thing about this for you?” 

For some, it may be the randomness of the event. For others, it may be feeling out of control. Nancy suggested we don’t assume we know. She said, with all her experience, when she would have a guess as to what the worst thing was for a person, she was wrong 100% of the time!

The “don’ts” are numerous. Many of us have experience with those who want to help but make us cringe instead. Let’s try to avoid that.

If people aren’t ready to talk, don’t press them. This is not an opportunity for you to satisfy your curiosity. Nor do people want or need to hear about your experiences.

Don’t say “at least” followed by anything! This shuts down the other person and invalidates their grief.

Don’t offer false hope that “everything will be OK” because it might not be. You can’t fix it.They can’t fix it. It is what it is. Your caring presence alongside those in suffering and grief is more than enough.

Avoid offering platitudes and unsolicited advice. It would be wonderful to be able to relieve  suffering. Others have to get through it in their own way in their own time. Our view of the world has not crashed and burned. Theirs has. If they bring it up and want to talk about how and where they see God in their experience, then that’s a subject to patiently explore.

People of Christian faith who want to be helpful can park themselves in a Holy Saturday frame of mind and heart. The crucifixion has happened. The resurrection is not yet on the horizon.

If we are the ones experiencing trauma and grief, hear words from a post from Daily Om entitled, “Finding Deep Strength,” the author suggests: “When we find ourselves up against that barrier of thinking we cannot handle our situation, we may find that the kindest choice is to love ourselves and our resistance too. We can simply accept that we are overwhelmed, exhausted, and stretched and offer ourselves loving kindness and compassion.”

When I asked Nancy why she did this important but very difficult work, she replied,” Life is too short not to do what you love.” Many thanks to Nancy for sharing her wisdom!