Photo finish, not a pretty picture

By Bill Pennington
November 22, 2016 6:55 a.m.

As I opened the e-mail this morning with the opportunity to purchase in-race pictures from my 2016 Gate River Run at a discount rate, I thought the concept of this enterprise was sound.

In-race pictures capturing your magazine cover shot, making you feel like a superstar, seems like a great idea and motivator. It’s a chance to share your moments of heated competition with friends and family, or put three photos together for a coffee mug or coaster.

You can relive your Gate River Run success, or favorite moment every morning. It’s a look at me smile with every sip.

Again, it’s great in philosophy, and a company makes it so simple by sending the individual race shots to your e-mail address with easy ordering instructions.

Unfortunately, rather than an array of Annie Leibovitz glamour poses, the pictures usually leave us questioning our hair stylist, face cream, or gene pool. The rapid-fire camera shutter does not lie, and ‘striking a pose’ is not happening in the midst of competition, so we are left choosing from the following mugs:

Bulldog Jaw: The only thing missing is our hygienist’s fingers and saliva vacuum.

Contorted Elvis Mouth: ‘A-hunk-a-hunk of burnin’ blah’.

Exorcist Eyes: Obviously, hypnotized by the waving finish line flags.

Melting Cheese Cheeks: Time to call that back-of-People Magazine 800 line for the “guaranteed results” wrinkle cream.

Chewbacca Growl: A toothy sideways “aaaahhh” is not 8×10 bedside table material.

Gumby Shoulders: It must be the oversized shirt because my shoulders can’t look that droopy.

Billy Beer Belly: I run 25 miles per week, where did that stomach come from?

Captain Ahab: My legs, my legs, where is the bend in my knees?

Divot Head: What happened to that head of dry curly hair that I thought covered my whole scalp?

Happy Hat: Guess it is really time to retire that Top 10% hat from 2005.

Nostrildamis: Okay, Mom, I promise you that wiped my nose when I got to the finish line.

Pisa Posture: No wonder I’m so slow with that right-side lean.

Yes, year-after-year, race-after-race, we open our race face ordering e-mail only to have our excitement dashed into a face-in-pillow moment.

Editor’s Note: William (Bill) Pennington is a former sports columnist for the Savannah Morning News and Florida Times-Union. He was honored as Writer-of-the-Year for the Road Runners Clubs of America as well as a Associated Press award winner and Georgia Sportswriter columnist winner. He is a contributing writer for the News-Leader. We thank Bill for his contribution to the Fernandina Observer.