By Linda Hart Green
It’s crunch time for gift buyers. At least, that is what the ads tell us. If we have to order online, we might have to spring for expedited shipping. It wasn’t always this way.
I worked in my father’s jewelry store, especially during the holidays. My job was to make change and gift wrap. I became adept at neatly wrapping small square boxes. I fell in love with wrapping gifts! In the past, I have gone to excess, getting the nickname “queen of tape” from my family. My skill has come in handy at my gallery where my partner happily defers to me for wrapping.
“Last minute shopping” was not defined as the whole week before Christmas. Last minute shopping was the businessmen who arrived at my father’s shop on Christmas Eve about 3 p.m. after their office parties. They readily purchased lovely gifts neatly wrapped by me which allowed them to assuage their guilt and helped my father’s year-end numbers. My poor dad was exhausted by Christmas Eve. He would slump on the couch about 5 p.m. and then start asking my mom about gifts for this or that relative. Of course, they were already neatly wrapped and under the tree. My mom and I made out pretty well though. There was usually a small box for each of us in the toe of our stockings.
What if you could give everyone you know and even strangers a gift and it was absolutely free? Author David Brooks says this is possible. We can give the gift of our attention. I am reading his newest book, “How to Know a Person.” You can read a summarized version of his thoughts in his opinion piece in the New York Times from Oct. 22, 2023. While some are innately gifted in giving attention, it is also a skill that can be learned. David Brooks admits he has had to learn it and continues to practice it.
As Brooks has traveled the country for his work, he has asked himself: how do people connect? He learned that about 54% of people in the U.S. say there is no one who knows them well, who really “gets” them. How very sad! This fact has been greatly exacerbated by the pandemic and has contributed to increased rates for depression, addiction and political polarization.
Brooks learned that in interactions, people tend to be either illuminators or diminishers. Illuminators radiate warmth and welcome. They respect the dignity and worth of each person with whom they come in contact. They are innately curious and ask questions that draw out the other person. They listen so actively to their reply that they burn calories! Illuminators invite others to fill in the details of their story so that they are more nuanced and give a more complete picture. This helps the listener to stand where the speaker is standing and to see the world a bit like they do.
Diminishers enter a room ego first. They can appear standoff-ish and aloof in order to hide shyness. They can be more likely to stereotype someone based on a superficial interaction. One thing that stood out to me in the description of diminishers is the tendency to be a “topper.” I know I have been guilty of doing this and I certainly have had it done to me. A “topper” hears you say, “My aunt has cancer.” They reply with, “Oh my grandmother had cancer and it was terrible.” They go on to describe that person’s ordeal.
It seems good that they are trying to identify with the other person, doesn’t it? But it tends to shift the attention in the conversation. The listener never finds out what that aunt means to that person or what their worries are. If you think about who you go to when you are troubled, that person will most likely be an illuminator, someone who has learned to listen and to be present with you where you are.
The gift of attention is absolutely free and absolutely invaluable. The giving of one’s attention is a moral act. It speaks of how you view the world and the others in it. It says, “I see you as a person. You are worthy of respect.”
There are many crucial issues facing us personally, interpersonally and in our community. There are even more nationally and internationally that cause worry and concern. It is easy to feel helpless. But there is something life-changing we can do. We can give the free gift of our attention. This gift is a road not often taken, to borrow a phrase from the poetry of Robert Frost, and it will make all the difference.
I’d rather give the gift of Faith. The gift that keeps on giving. Contact me if you’re interested.
The book illuminated familiar behavior in people I know, and has helped my perspective.
Giving someone your attention, even if simply saying “Hey” as you pass them, can be invaluable to someone facing daily life trauma or struggling with change and depression.
EVERYDAY we all come in contact with someone being mentally or physically abused or bullied, and with the abusers themselves. Sometimes we don’t know we are enabling abuse. Good support groups are hard to find and maintain for children and adults who feel lost and confused, and struggle with daily turmoil.
It’s shameful how minors fall through the cracks because no one gives attention, and asks if they are ok.