It’s Time to Reframe Our Conversations

By Linda Hart Green

“Why don’t they get it?” It’s the question public theologian and prolific author Dr. Brian McLaren has heard a lot while crisscrossing the country doing book tours.

The question was said as both a complaint and a lament, he explained, from people representing all sides of our polarized politics. He found this so intriguing, he began to study the issue and wrote an e-book about the biases that prevent us from hearing and understanding each other. [“Why Don’t They Get It: Overcoming Bias in Others (and yourself)” is available at Brian McLaren.net.]

McLaren says social isolation from the pandemic has not helped our communication skills. Nor has the increase in intensity of rhetoric. After his research, his first conclusion is profound in its simplicity: “We can’t see what we can’t see.”

I started to think of what hinders my seeing from my artist’s point of view. I came up with the concept of “frames.” I have plenty of actual frames lying around. Of course, I never seem to have exactly the one I want. What an artist includes or leaves out is essential to the success of a painting. And the frame around a painting can make or break how it looks.

We have frames in our brains, too. They help us process all the information that flows through our senses. Frames are things like gender, race, ethnicity, class, education and religion. We need them to make sense of the world. They can give us comfort and familiarity. When our frames are challenged from the outside, it can feel threatening. It is difficult to hear and understand those who are outside our frames. We ask, “Why don’t they get it?” We always seem to start from the premise that the other person has something to “get.”

Can we learn to see what we cannot see? Yes! It takes conscious and intentional effort. Instead of reacting defensively or dismissively, we can pause, listen and say, “I don’t see it that way. Tell me more about how you see it.”

Dialogue becomes possible when we respond with curiosity not condemnation. When we attempt dialogue with someone from outside our frames, we have to use words carefully. They can heal or hurt and are powerful. All of this is hard work. We may want to give up trying to understand or we might simply let others tell us what our frames should be. What if they are not trustworthy? We have to be discerning about abdicating our freedom and responsibility to someone else’s frames.

Reframing is an intentional practice used by counselors in therapy and by consultants who work with groups, organizations, businesses and institutions. A simplified definition is that you take the exact same set of circumstances and give them a different meaning by changing a concept or emotion that fits the situation equally well or better. The religious prophets and teachers used this technique in teaching and writing for centuries, and the parables of Jesus are one powerful example.

Here’s a more recent example: The city of Paris was in an upheaval in the 19th century. An army officer didn’t want to “clear the rabble” as he was instructed by his superiors. Instead, he called out over the crowd, “Would you ladies and gentlemen kindly leave the square so I can fire on the rabble?”  Everyone left. No shots were fired.

Reframing turns frames on their heads. It usually contains paradox, surprise or humor. Take a look at the photo included with this commentary. We usually think of a crazy street preacher with a sign saying, “The end is near.” It carries a message of judgement and fear. We usually dismiss them. This photo is of a lovely young woman with a shy smile. Her cardboard sign gives a message of hope and makes us stop and think. What could be possible in the future? We want the future to be bright with possibility for people like her. That’s a great use of reframing if there ever was one.

Linda Hart Green is Pastor Emeritus of Emmanuel Church, Ridgewood, New Jersey, and co-owner of Shady Ladies Art Studios and Gallery in Fernandina Beach. She holds an M.Div. and a Certificate in Pastoral Leadership Development from Princeton Theological Seminary.

Editor’s note: The Observer welcomes thoughtful commentaries when submitted. The opinions expressed in any commentary are solely those of the writer.