Police blotter blast . . .

Submitted by Deborah Lavery Powers

Staff Reporter

The following are the highlights from some of the narrative police reports on file at the Fernandina Police Department.

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Not Thinking  entered a building under construction the other day — maybe for just a “look see” at the progress already finished.. .  But in the process Not Thinking cost the owner or an insurance company a bundle of bucks.  Not Thinking entered by an unlocked back door, then proceeded to unlock the front door — and leave it unlocked when he left.    Sometime during the later hours of the day, the storm hit town — and the winds blew the front door open.  Zappo.  Front door destroyed beyond  repair.

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Scratched Car alleges that her Nissan Van got damaged while going through a local car wash.  Allegedly to the tune of $200.

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Hyperventilating attempted to register a car she said  she had purchased on Craigslist for $2000.  But, oops, the car was found to have been stolen in Rochester NY on May 23rd.  Rescue was called when Hyperventilating began breathing abnormally fast.  She reported she had high blood pressure but refused treatment.  The case was turned over to the County Sheriff’s Office.

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Have to wonder what went through From Under His Shirt’s mind when the shorts he was shoplifting actually DID fall out from under his shirt as he walked out the front door of the shop.

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Missing Meds reported that 120 Oxycodone pills  took a hike from her kitchen cupboard  the other night (between midnight and 0600).  Missing thinks that perhaps her daughter threw them away on her.  Missing further reported she wanted the case documented should a liability case happen to come up — and also because she needed to file a police report before her doctor would consider giving her a new prescription to replace the missing pills.

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Wrong Person was sent a credit card from a well known credit card company — in  Right Person’s name.    Right Person was told by the credit card company’s fraud department that they couldn’t release any information  about the identify of Wrong Person who was posing as Right Person.  Right, instead, needed to report the situation to Police before fraud department could start an investigation on Wrong Person.  [Follow all that?]

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Lost His Wallet should give the Police Department a call.  They may have his missing  item in the Evidence Room. 

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Please Give Me a Break begged Officers to just let him go home because he didn’t want to get into anymore trouble .  He had  been released from jail a short six hours earlier.   And yes, he and Passenger had swapped places when Police started following them because Give Me’s license had been revoked.   He further advised that both he and Passenger had “consumed too many alcoholic beverage to be capable of driving.”

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High as a Kite was “sweating profusely and speaking in fragmented sentences” when found laying on the ground behind the house in which he and Girlfriend live.  High stated he did “not go inside the residence or touch” Girlfriend.    Girlfriend’s face showed injuries that were consistent with her statement that High had “punched her in the face twice with a closed fist.”

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Permanent Magic Marker apparently wanted his “artwork” to remain forever  visible on the Victim’s garage door.  As Wikipedia puts it, an actual photograph of the part of the human body Permanent Magic Marker drew on that garage door would have been “deemed obscene and unpublishable” as late as the 1990‘s.   

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News Travels Fast discovered that word can indeed travel fast if you get stopped by Police for a traffic violation.  Doesn’t take more than a whisker of time before Police will find out that you have an active arrest warrant out on you in Suwannee County.

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Editor’s Note: After a career in adult education, where writing, course design and development were her “beat”, Deborah now enjoys the world of freelancing, and volunteering.  Deborah covers the police beat for the Fernandina Observer writing weekly “Police blotter blasts . . .”   We thank Deborah for her many contributions.

June 14, 2013 10:52  a.m.