Trust is the Secret Sauce of All Relationships

In 1986, the popular singer-songwriter Billy Joel released his album’s title song, “A Matter of Trust," as a single. It was an instant hit. Listeners related to the poetry and passion of the lyrics as well as to the driving beat.

Relationships are a matter of trust, whether they are interpersonal, familial, corporate or communal. Definitions of trust and distrust are found in the beautiful book, “Atlas of the Heart,” by Dr. Brené Brown. She quotes Charles Feldman’s book, “The Thin Book of Trust.” Trust is defined as “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.” (Brown, p.191.) Conversely, distrust is an assessment that “what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation or any situation.” (Ibid.)

Trust is the glue, the secret sauce, the gas and oil that makes relationships work. Trust is resilient and strong. It is precious. It is elastic. We innately know when it is present and when it is absent. Trust can grow. It can be taught and learned. It can also be broken.

I remember exactly when I said to myself, “I did not sign up for this.” In the mid-1990s, I was a denominational consultant to churches. I had to deal with the fallout from a betrayal of trust on the part of pastors within their congregations. Much larger trust betrayals were also coming to light in government and in other religious communities. The staff I worked with tried to learn as much as possible about the best ways to assist churches and to teach about trust. The fallout was everywhere. The pain was palpable. Situations were messy. I won’t bore you with the details. The terms “institutional betrayal” and “religious trauma” appeared in our conversations and in the news.

It is exponentially more difficult to restore trust after betrayal than it is to build it in the first place. The only way forward is to listen, listen, listen without defensiveness or judgment. The big, thick resource, “The Successful Manager’s Handbook,” points out that in order for organizations to be trusted, they have to operate transparently, legally and ethically. An action or process can be technically legal while being borderline unethical or perceived as unethical. Unless there is transparency of operation and consistency of words and actions, trust cannot be established or flourish. (7th edition, 2004, pp. 571-596.)

As I was mulling over what to write for today, a line from the Billy Joel song echoed in my head, “You can’t go the distance with too much resistance.” I thought about issues in our community regarding the potential bioethanol plant and the hiring of our next city manager, which happened this past week. It would be a good idea, if you haven’t already, to review the video of the meeting and the candidate’s own comments. The video is accessible on the city’s website.

There has also been a flood of commentary on various social media posts. Some posts have substance and merit. Others simply fan the flames.

When we put the hiring of a new city manager directly on the heels of the controversy over the bioethanol plant and perceptions of conflicts of interest, whether real or imagined, one has to wonder if there is “too much resistance to go the distance.” I can tell you from firsthand experience in this type of situation, people and reputations get hurt, things blow up that are not bioethanol, and clean-up is prolonged, if not impossible.

I quote Brené Brown‘s book again at length because it has valuable insights. (p.192.)

If you are not familiar with her work, she authored “Dare to Lead,” which is the culmination of seven years of study on courage and leadership. She has also written five New York Times bestselling books and is a professor at two schools in Texas.

The seven-year study came up with an acronym for what makes for trust. BRAVING.

Boundaries. You respect my boundaries and I respect yours. If you are not clear, you ask.

Reliability. You do what you say you’ll do.

Accountability. You own your mistakes, apologize and make amends.

Vault. Confidences are kept. Information is safe with you.

Integrity. You practice your values, not just profess them.

Nonjudgment. You can ask for what you need and I can ask for what I need. There is no judgment on asking for help.

Generosity. You extend the most generous interpretation of intentions, words and actions of others.

Here is Dr. Brown’s caveat from her experiences, which unfortunately mirror my own from my years as a consultant. (Atlas of the Heart, p. 195.)

“If protecting the reputations of those in power is more important than dignity and integrity for all, the following problems will occur:

-Complicity is part of the culture.

-Money and power trump ethics.

-Accountability is dead.

-Control and fear are used as management tools.

-The actions leave a trail of devastation and pain.”

No one wants to see these things happen here.